It isn't an app or a planner or any of the other dozens of things that people try to sell us.
It is simply this: self-acceptance.
Your brain is wired differently than non-ADHD brains. And you know what? That is absolutely beautiful. Your brain is an incredible thing that does incredible things every day.
And. Nothing is going to change that. You will never wake up one day with a "normal" brain. Your brain will never be what Society wants it to be-- your brain will never fit any mold (unless Society changes a lot).
And I need you to know that this is beautiful.
Because you are stuck with your brain for the rest of your life, no matter what.
Now, why is self-acceptance so important?
No one likes to get yelled at. Your brain is no exception. You wouldn't put up with someone else yelling at you and calling you lazy and useless and broken (or at least I hope you wouldn't, because you are truly amazing), so why do that to yourself?
Yes. Your brain may not let you do all the things you want to do when you want to do them. It may fight you. But think of your brain as your child, not your adversary. Y'all are on the same team!
And just like children do not respond well to shame or yelling, neither does your brain.
Shaming your brain, even when you feel it deserves it, does exactly the opposite of what you hope to accomplish by doing that.
A brain you shame for failing at doing the tasks you want it to do is not going to want to do those tasks-- why bother, it thinks, when we'll fail and get yelled at again?
So try to be kind with yourself. And yeah, that is so much easier said than done, but it really is worth it. And it is the secret to successfully managing your ADHD.
It can be difficult to shift your mindset from one of punishing failure to one of rewarding success, but I believe in you.
Is this situation familiar? You write up a big to-do list, plan out everything you want to get done that day, starting with the best intentions to be motivated and productive. And you maybe get a few things done, but at the end of the day, much of your to-do list remains to be done, and you start to feel bad about yourself. And maybe you say some really mean words to your reflection, or maybe you just think them.
I have been there. Oh how I have been there.
I am here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way.
My biggest help in starting to establish routine in my day and build healthy habits into a system that works for me is focusing on what I have done, instead of what I haven't.
Life isn't about what you cannot do, but rather about what you can do.
So.
Some things that have helped me be kinder to my brain are:
- putting super easy tasks I know that I will do on every to do list. I have "wake up" at the top of each one. It may feel a little like cheating, but who cares? The game is rigged anyhow.
- making a "ta-da list" at the end of the day. This is a list of everything you did manage to do. Every success you have had that day, write it down.
- remembering that not every day has to be my Best Day Ever. All I have to do each day is try my best and do what I can, and sometimes that will be a lot, but other times my best looks a lot like just getting out of bed.
- taking time every couple of hours to check in with myself about how I am feeling. Your brain needs love and comfort as much as you do. Try during this time to be mindful. Breathe, drink a glass of water, ask yourself what's up and answer honestly.
And finally-- reminding myself that I am a wonderful person with a beautiful brain that can do amazing things that many other brains cannot. And you are also a wonderful person, dear reader, with a beautiful brain that can do amazing things that many other brains cannot.
The first step is often the hardest, but each step after is a little easier. Then eventually, you realize you have walked a great distance without really noticing. Focus on the journey, not the destination-- all you have to think about is your very next step.
Here, the first step is to be the tiniest bit kinder to yourself. Just a little bit, every day. It isn't like flipping a light switch; it takes work and practice. But if you put in the work and keep practicing, you will get further than if you do the easier thing and yell at yourself.
An example from my own life of how this has helped me:
Two habits that I am trying to build are washing my face and brushing my teeth, morning and evening. Previously, I would focus on building streaks. I would maybe manage a few days, but inevitably I would miss one and be right back at day zero. This never felt good. I realized that this would not work for me. So now, it isn't about doing it every day. It's about trying to. I celebrate the times I succeed.
One night, I realized after I was already warm and cozy in bed that I hadn't done my nightly hygiene. My brain informed me that it didn't wanna. In the past, I would have yelled at myself and called myself some very mean things.
This time, however, I said "That's okay. We can try again tomorrow."
And my brain's reaction to this? "Okay but now I'm gonna do it."
Being kinder to my brain helped me be successful, and I promise that it will do the same for you.
TTYL
- rem
(PS. I had an empty post open for two full days before I finally sat down and wrote this. I struggle with perfectionism, but the best thing I ever realized is that I am never going to be perfect. And that is okay. No one is perfect. Perfection is impossible. We are all going to fall short of it. What matters is that we try our best. But I say this just in case you were like "oh wow rem wrote a whole post and it was easy for them and they just sat down and did it" because lol nope.)